Dear Family & Friends,
Some of you knew me before I was weight restored, back when the word ‘anorexia’ was stamped on my body in the form of sharp bones and sallow skin. I’ve come a long way since then. You can see it in my smile and the way I embrace life. I lost that for a while but it’s back now. But behind my smile and seeming success at life is a girl still fighting very hard to stay healthy.
I’ve spoken, blogged, and even written a book on the topic of anorexia so you might think I’m over it. You might be tired of hearing about eating disorders. But I’m not over it. I believe I’m healed from it and can claim my victory over it in faith, but that doesn’t take it away. My faith gives me power and freedom from it, but I still struggle. You might wonder, how can she still be struggling if she still eats? What’s the big deal with recovery? Eat and you’re recovered. Easy. Done. Move on.
I like to describe eating disorders like addictions. When someone has a drug or alcohol addiction they must remove the drug or alcohol from their life to be in recovery. They take away the drug of choice and learn to live life without it.
When someone has an eating disorder their drug is food. The “high” might come from either over-eating, under-eating, or obsessing in another way about food. But instead of taking the drug away, the person with an eating disorder must learn how to have a healthy relationship with the drug. It’s because of this that recovery is so hard. There is no way to take the drug away. It’s always there and must be used but learning to use it in a healthy way and not as a drug is difficult.
In recovery from any other kind of addiction with something that gives you a “high” the substance in question is removed entirely from the person’s life whereas in recovery for an eating disorder the rhetoric around the substance has to change. This is ESPECIALLY hard in a culture that glorifies unhealthy ties with food. I know from being in recovery for an eating disorder that any diet that cuts a food group or encourages any kind of fasting is unhealthy. I know that some bodies are made to be a little bigger or a little smaller and that when some people go on diets they are actually harming their bodies, not becoming healthier. Weight loss does not always equal health. There are some exceptions to these truths like when someone has a food allergy or they are told by their doctor to lose weight due to high blood pressure or concerns over other health issues. But overall, diets and the culture’s obsession with food is like one big eating disorder.
A culture that glorifies weight loss makes it even harder for someone like me in recovery. Not only do I have to have a healthy relationship with my “drug” I have to live in a society where I’m constantly told that my “drug” is healthy.
The reasons I am not fully recovered from my eating disorder are complex. I can go months having a healthy mind/body/spirit relationship with food and then all of a sudden realize that a flip switched and I am again treating food like a drug and my actions toward it give me a “high.” I didn’t even realize I wanted the high or that I was achieving the high until I’m already again addicted to a type of high. This is why recovering for an eating disorder is so hard.
So, family and friends, this is the reality I live with. This is a peek into my struggle. This is why I am still in recovery for an eating disorder after twelve years. This is why I speak, blog, and write books about eating disorders and recovery. Because I still struggle and I know there are other girls out there who struggle too who just want a little hope. We girls with disorders are very good and hiding them, our smiles and attitudes toward food will fool you, but know that there might be something deeper going on beneath the surface. We might be struggling and we might need patience and compassion. Or we might be having a great day where we’re not struggling at all. It’s a battle. One that gets easier over time, but a battle and a journey.
Thanks for taking a peek into my brain,
A Girl Still Struggling