As a teenager, I imagined that at twenty-seven years old I would be married to an amazing man that I adored every minute of every day, at least one child, and a career in writing. But now, AT the age of twenty-seven I find myself married to an amazing man who I love most seconds of most days, no children, and a career in writing that I pay for rather than it paying me. (Self-publishing high-quality work is not cheap.)
The last few weeks have been hard as I grapple with my expectations versus my reality as Mason and I make decisions that will change the trajectory of our lives once again. My chest has hurt like I’ve been dragged into deep deep water, I’ve cried, I’ve lost sleep, I’ve hid in books, and I’ve mourned the way my life may continue changing in the weeks and months to come. The same thing keeps running through my head, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way.” (And yes, I am soon purchasing, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered, by Lysa TerKeurst; because, why not?)
But the other night as I cried and hyperventilated, I pulled out my journal and began to write to God exactly how I felt about the direction my life was going. I scribbled in messy handwriting my thoughts and what I thought God was saying back to me as my tears wet the pages. No, really, I was full-on dramatic and literally wiped my tears on the pages so they would dry crinkled. I’m not theatrical at all . . .
Ya . . . right . . .
Is it supposed to be this way?
God was very patient with me in my writing and told me–in different words–that it’s not about me. This makes me wonder how much life maybe IS supposed to be this way? How much of my sadness is actually sadness at the plan God has for me? Over the years I have felt continually nudged out of my comfort zone. (Heck, writing this is a little bit out of my zone.) and things have felt like more whirlwind than quiet time. I’ve had all these expectations and in the process, I’ve spent years fighting God.
Just last month I came to a place of peace with God regarding something I’ve struggled with for almost 4 YEARS. Within the same month that I said, “Okay, God we are good now,” he decided to tip me upside down again, almost like he was waiting for me to get it so he could bring me into the next season of my life.
This isn’t easy to write but I think there is some hidden truth within these crumbled expectations. I think that instead of thinking, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way,” I should be thinking, “What should I be doing with what I have right now to be the girl I was created to be?” Not, “How can I fight these circumstances to get what I want?” but, “How can I move to a place of peace with where I have been placed and where God wants to take me?”
Girl, this is NOT EASY! And I am not writing this to tell you that what you feel and what you are experiencing is not very real. It is real! But where are you being lead through it all? Where is your heart growing? Where are you learning and getting stronger? Because if you hold on tight you might miss out. I’m saying these things to ME TOO. I’m not even sure where these words are coming from because I am not in a place of 100% surrender in this aspect. I’m working to get there and I think we might be on the same journey.
Here are a few things I want you to know.
1. It’s okay to tell God how you feel. He’s not surprised. But, please girl, tell him.
2. Surrender takes less time than fighting.
3. It’s okay to be sad.
4. You are not alone and you are not the only one.
So, I hope I have not been too melodramatic. I hope you saw a little piece of yourself in these words. I hope you and I can come to a place of surrender. I hope it doesn’t take us another 4 years.
I hope you know that you are loved and that God’s plan is better than your plan.
There is a way that seems right to a person,
but it’s end is the way do death.
Proverbs 14:12
Yeah, that’s hard for me to swallow too, but I see the truth in it. God’s plans are better than ours. If we stay where we are we won’t be where we should be and I think there is a lot more hope, a lot more happiness, a lot more joy, in that place of surrender, that predestined plan, than in our own idea of what life should be.
Girl, I’m working on this too.
Let’s do it together.
Hi, this is such a great read! I think most of us have been at this place in our lives and probably more than once. I remember feeling like this when I was 27. I was told that I wouldn’t have any children. I thought I would be on my second child by 27. Well, it takes time to grow and God knows what will strengthen us, to prepare us, for what He has for us. I had my first child at 32 years of age! I am glad for how everything has turned out. God knows all and I am grateful for His hand upon us.
Thanks for being real. Love you both. Keep living the best life and that means keep following God.