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Over the years I’ve received several emails from awesome boyfriends who what advice on how to better help their significant others who are struggling with an eating disorder or are in recovery from one. After the most recent email I decided to go straight to the source and ask my husband Mason questions about what it has been like dating and then marrying me.
I have been in recovery for our entire relationship and things have gotten much better over the years. Mason and I talked about the questions below and worked through answers we thought were appropriate together. I will add little comments under some of his answers to help those who are interested better understand the dynamics between significant others when one is in recovery from an eating disorder.

*Comments by me. 

1.What did you know about eating disorders before you met me?

I’d only heard about them.

2. What are some of the things you’ve learned about them and about people struggling with them?

It’s something you can’t fix on your own. You can try to understand but it can be difficult without tons of research.
*I was always straightforward with my recovery. Mason knew I had an eating disorder from the beginning. I could tell he didn’t understand but over the years he tried to.

3. How did your understanding of eating disorders evolve over time while we dated and then married?

I think a lot of it came down to trial and error of what I can and can’t say. When we started out I would be very confused on why you were always tired or why little things were difficult like staying up late and going out to grab a snack. Over time I learned to be patient and let you be, and comfort you when you need alone time.

*I struggled with severe depression when we first dated and would find myself lacking energy which also magnified my eating disordered thoughts.

4. How do you approach going out to eat or functions revolving around food?

When we started dating you would get concerned that certain restaurants wouldn’t have anything you’d like to eat—like salad Over time I encouraged you to try different things and you’ve gradually been okay with that.
*I have been okay with this because I have been evolving in my recovery. I do not recommend this in all cases. In many cases I think it would be most helpful for the one struggling if she could be given some of the control over where to eat. I personally will look at menus before we go somewhere to see if it’s somewhere I want to eat. This helps take away some of my anxiety. Although, I have not struggled so much in recent years.

5. What do you wish you had known before dating me regarding eating disorders?

Maybe how to say certain things.

6. What are some obstacles you’ve run into in dating/marrying me while I’ve been in recovery?

The things I’ve said that you’ve taken the wrong way. Like when I’ve talked about weight or exercising you’ve thought it was about you even though I said I was talking about me.

Like last night you asked me if I’d like if you went to the gym and got more toned. And of course who wouldn’t like that. (Laughs) Then I had to think, how can I answer this without answering it? I told you I think you look fine right now but I wouldn’t complain. You were eventually okay with that.
*There is still a part of my brain that struggles with distorted thoughts. I don’t try to, but I tend to twist things that are said. In many cases Mason has learned to just not answer some questions I ask because he knows the ugly part of my brain will twist even the most thought out answers.

7. What kinds of things do you avoid saying to me?

-I should lose weight.
-Stop feeling that way.
-Just don’t think about it.
-I think I’d like to go to the gym.
-You need to lose weight.

8. What are some things you’ve done that you feel were met with positive reactions?

Telling you that you’re beautiful even when you feel like you look like a train wreck. Reaffirming that I think you are beautiful and that I love you. I think that’s one of the biggest things I can do to help you. Also trying to get you to share some of the things you are feeling and don’t try to fix them, just listen.

*Part of this has been me communicating with him what I need. He is great at comforting me and giving me space to process thoughts and feelings.

9. What have you found works for you in your relationship with me?

Just letting you be sometimes because I know I can’t fix you. I know I just need to let you be sometimes. Sometimes the best help I can be is to listen to you talk.

*This is true. You can not fix the other person, but you can help them help themselves.

10. What do you want to tell other guys who may be dating and/or married to girls struggling with an eating disorder or in recovery for one?

It’s hard work. You can’t fix it on your own. It goes deeper than just saying “Don’t think that way.” It’s not something that can be fixed overnight. It’s deeply rooted in her mindset—her core. The best thing you can do is be positive reinforcement to her thoughts. And help her to think beyond what she’s thinking of herself.

Mason and I have been together for seven years and I have been in recovery for almost ten. The start of our relationship was difficult with my disorder, but I have continued to fight it and grow. We have grown together.
I hope this little peek into our lives is helpful. One of the biggest things you can do to help is to pray. God has been the reason for my recovery and I will never diminish that fact. I truly believe prayer works. I also talk to a counselor, am open with my struggle with my family, and have a great support group. All of these things can help move you and your loved one forward.