When I was a little girl and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I’d say, “A momma.” I literally daydreamed about getting married at 18 and having kids at a young age.
Reality is a little different that our daydreams, huh?
I was married at 22 to Mason and I RELUCTANTLY agreed to wait 5 years to have kids. (I’ll share why in another post.) There were a lot of things to consider health-wise and we wanted to experience the joy of life with each other before adding a kid.
Five years came and went.
We tried for adoption after five years of being married but it was too difficult to fill out the paperwork when we were moving from FL–>CA–>OR for Masons job transfers. At the beginning of 2020, we decided to take a medical risk (More on this in a later post or my IG account.) and try to get pregnant. We didn’t even know if we COULD.
After almost 7 years of being married, I developed something I call pregnancy test PTSD. I’m not sure if this is a “thing,” but it was for me. Over the years I would have “feelings” that I was pregnant–even on birth control. With a pounding heart, I would buy a box of pregnancy tests and bring them home. I’d get excited, knowing my symptom MUST be pregnancy, not PMS. I would pee on the stick, wait three minutes, look, and leave the bathroom with a broken heart.
I cant tell you how many times I did this. Writing it makes my eyes fill with tears. We weren’t “trying” but I knew “accidents” could happen and I really wanted an accident. I wanted a child.
As the years passed and I would get a “feeling” that I was pregnant, I started to dread taking the test. I didn’t want the disappointment.
In the spring of 2020, I had the largest breakdown ever when we “tried” and the test came back negative. I knew I’d hit my ovulation days right, why wasn’t I pregnant? Maybe I would have trouble getting pregnant. Maybe we couldn’t.
A few months later proved the same results. No positive test.
In June of 2020 I was SURE I was pregnant. We’d been trying for a few months and I hoped it was so. I bought a three-pack of First Response tests at Walmart and brought them home. I had the same anxiety while taking them. My heart broke when the test was, again, negative.
For some reason, I looked at the pregnancy test reviews and found that the digital test in my pack of three was known for being faulty. Some women said it gave false positives or false negatives. I tucked the remaining two tests in the cupboard and Mason and a week or two later Mason and I went on vacation to Michigan–not pregnant.
Our trip went great. Mason returned to work in Oregon after a week and I stayed one more week taking long runs, swimming in Lake Michigan, and enjoying campfires.
A few days after I returned home to Oregon I remembered the negative reviews I read about the pregnancy tests. I didn’t want to just throw the offending test out so I decided to pee on it knowing it would be negative since Mason and I hadn’t even tried in the month of July. I knew that I wouldn’t be disappointed this time when I saw the negative result. I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t feel any different.
I took the test and then set it on the back of the toilet while I washed up. When I turned around I looked at the digital screen. My entire body started shaking. The digital reading said Yes +.
I FREAKED out. This was EXACTLY what I feared. Now I had a false positive pregnancy test. The horror! It was mocking me, making me believe I was pregnant when I couldn’t be. This was the reason I needed to toss the test.
But I couldn’t let it go. I did more research and found that sometimes the digital reading can be wrong but if there are two pink lines on the inside of the test you are pregnant.
I tore apart the pregnancy test with shaking fingers. I’d never seen two pink lines before. But, between the broken plastic pieces were two pink lines.
I still didn’t belive it.
I chugged some water and then drove to Walmart to pick up some Clearblue tests. I needed something besides First Response. I had one more First Response (a rapid result) but didn’t know if I could trust it.
I came home with the Clearblue and tried to pee on two sticks with one bathroom visit so I could check the First Resonse and Clearblue at the same time. I only was able to check the First Response.
Positive.
Two positives had to mean I was pregnant. I texted my sister who was also pregnant. ” CALL ME!!!”
I was 90% sure I was actually pregnant and I couldn’t contain my excitement. After so many years I was finally a mom. I believe that conception is the start of life so I also believe that a positive pregnancy test means that the woman isn’t a mom-to-be and the husband isn’t a dad-to-be. If I was pregnant, I was a mom right then.
I’d bought a Baby Groot onesie when we first started trying earlier in the year. I wrapped it with a note for Mason that said, “You ARE a dad. I’m 98% sure.”
Before he got home I took the other Clearblue test I had and got another positive. My heart beat so hard in my chest I’m not sure it was good for my health. My sister called me and knew what I was going to say before I said it. She assured me that even the 2 positive tests were enough and the 3rd made her QUITE certain I was pregnant.
When Mason got home I told him I had a present for him. I handed him the tiny wrapped package. He had NO idea. He saw the onesie and the note and started to cry. “What?”
I was too happy to cry but told him that I was now 100% sure since I had 3 positive tests. Then I showed him each one.
The wait to become a mother can be long for some and zero for some girls who experience unplanned pregnancies and become mothers overnight. Both are very challenging places to be. I can tell you from personal experience that waiting to be a mother was one of the most sorrowful things I’ve experienced.
I believe it happened right when it was supposed to even if I hated the waiting.
I am now 18 weeks pregnant.
I have so much more to share and I would love if you followed along (like the health reasons we waited so long to TRY).
Through my story, I hope to encourage you that your body is amazing and that pregnancy is amazing. I see culture treating it like a disease or an illness which I think this is so sad. It’s empowering and beautiful. But so is adopting which I also hope to do someday like we originally planed. Neither road is better. Both are wrought with obstacles. Both are beautiful.