February 5th, 2008 is the day I left the residential home where I was healing from my eating disorder and embarking on recovery without professional supervision. I was 16, weight restored, and ready to re-enter high-school.
Some people believe that having an eating disorder is like having an addiction to alcohol. Once in recovery, always in recovery. But I don’t believe that. I believe that true 100% recovery is possible but I’m honest enough to admit that I’m not there yet. Just because someone is weight restored does not mean that they don’t still struggle. February is a time to advocate for eating disorder recovery. If I could speak on behalf of one group of eating disorder recoverers it would be those of us in long term recovery.
The last twelve years have been filled with wins and losses but the last few weeks have shed a light on where I am in my recovery and, (to be honest) it’s not where I want to be.
Friday, January 17th 2020
Mason and I went to the movies. We ate popcorn in a dark movie theatre and I fangirled over the newest Star Wars movie like the middle school nerd I used to be who LOVED Star Wars. After the movie we were hungry and looked at restaurants in the area.
“There’s a place right in this complex,” I said.
“Sounds good let’s go there Mason said.
I took a quick look at the menu and said. “Nope, I don’t want to go there.”
“Why?”
“Too many calories.”
In the car we argued about where to go to eat. Mason admitted, “I feel like I can’t say anything because you’ll freak out and say there are too many calories at the place I pick.”
I sat silently in my seat because I couldn’t believe what he just said. His words meant that somehow I’d let my eating disorder creep back into my life and I hated the realization.
We ended up going to the restaurant we originally talked about partly because I was frustrated and hurt by my own mind and partly because Mason wanted to.
A few days later
I finished work and asked Mason if we wanted to go to the gym with me. He agreed. Before we left I checked my cupboards for an ingredient I was 99% sure I had for dinner but wanted to be certain. The can I was looking for wasn’t in the cupboard and I couldn’t make dinner without it.
“Great,” I said. “Now I can’t make dinner and I’m not willing to miss a workout to go get the stupid thing.” I looked at Mason accusingly.
“Do you want me to go get it?”
“You’d do that?”
He got his coat on and left. I walked the dog and we reconvened in the kitchen fifteen minutes later (the store is just around the corner). “Thanks for getting that,” I said.
“I’m glad I could save our night.”
His comment irked me. “What?”
“If I wouldn’t have gone out you’d have hade a total meltdown.”
Again, his words set me in place. I wanted to deny what he said but I knew he was 100% right. I HATED that he was right.
How did this happen? I thought. How did I get to a place where the eating disorder is controlling my life. It’s been almost twelve years.
The truth about long-term eating disorder recovery
The past twelve years have been a battle. A few times I’ve considered myself 90 or more percent recovered. I’ve learned to live life freer and each year has seemed easier.
But when I read about what honest recovery is like I can admit to myself that I have some personal hang-ups. There are “rules” I have for myself and new life stressors have set me back a little.
The truth is, long-term recovery is just that . . . long. But each of us is different and one girl’s journey may be longer or shorter than another. My recovery journey is unique. As is yours.
If eating disorder recovery is so long why should I even bother?
If you’re reading this and you are wondering if recovery is possible or worth it then you need to know IT IS! I am not at the “fully recovered” stage where I can freely live my life with no distorted thoughts regarding food but even the HUGE steps I’ve made have been WORTH IT! I have a husband and a job and I’m able to live a happy and fulfilled life because I’ve learned to feed my body. Regardless of how long you’re recovery journey is, it’s a journey worth going on. The next step in my journey is to get back into regular counseling.
Don’t be afraid to take steps and ask for help.
The awareness part
If you’re reading this and you have no personal experience with eating disorders, please know that they are not a “one-size-fits-all”. There are many different kinds of eating disorders and just because a girl doesn’t look like she has an eating disorder it’s doesn’t mean she has a healthy relationship with her body, food, and or exercise.
I also want to be a voice for those of us who have been in recovery for a long time. It may look like we’re recovered but some of us are still learning how to live healthily. It may seem like the disorder is in the past but sometimes it’s still a very real struggle.
I’m twelve years in and I’m not stopping now.