I’ve read a handful of fiction narratives regarding eating disorder recovery but haven’t found many written by authors who have struggled themselves. My book, The Kaleidoscope Girl, [fiction] dives deep into the mind of an anorexia sufferer. Writing fiction about eating disorder recovery helped me in the early years of my personal recovery and The Kaleidoscope Girl is filled with real-life eating disorder messiness.
But how much of it is autobiographical? How much of this story is mine?
Let me start by saying that Ariel (the protagonist in The Kalidescope Girl) and I are both very alike and very different. I didn’t base Ariel’s life situations specifically on my own but many of the things she goes through are part of my story.
Some commonalities:
–Ana’s voice: A huge part of The Kaleidoscope Girl is the idea of a sufferer fighting with the voice in her/his brain that berates, accuses, and belittles them to the point of unhealthy habits. To be honest, I heard that voice earlier this week while on a treadmill when my body wanted to stop but the voice suggested I’d be fat and didn’t deserve to eat if I didn’t pound out another mile. This might be a strange concept to outsiders looking in, but eating disorder sufferers (or those in recovery) have to actively and painfully oppose the voice of their illness. This is a huge part of my story which is part of why it plays such a roll in the book.
–Family: I struggled deeply with how my eating disorder affected my family. The way my illness affected them hurt my heart very much. Like Ariel, my relationship with my mom was very strong yet strained when I struggled with anorexia. It was she who first suggested I seek treatment and drove me to all my appointments. My family has always been my biggest supporters and for that, I am grateful and blessed.
-Extreme Illness: The scene where Arial nearly faints in the bathroom and then looks down at her stomach to see the palpitations of her heartbeat is from my story. I nearly fainted many times while ill, even stumbling against the lockers of my high school. The reason I remember so vividly being able to see the pulse of my heart through the thin skin of my stomach stayed with me because it truly frightened me.
-Searching for Fulfillment in the Wrong Places: Ariel looks for fulfillment and beauty through the changing of her appearance and a relationship with a boy. In my life, I have mistakenly thought that I could find happiness by changing my appearance as well as a dating relationship. Like Ariel, I found that neither could fulfill me the way I’d hoped. The only way I was able to find peace was to accept myself for who I was and believe that I was not a mistake. That I was created for a purpose.
-Discovering Purpose: Ariel’s relationship with Psalms 139 is right from my story. I still draw strength from the fact that I’m not a mistake. I’m still trying to discover exactly what I’m on this earth for and how to accomplish that task.
-Hurricane Irma: Mason and I were living in Florida when Irma made landfall and lived in an area near Lake Hollingsworth. I had been playing around with the idea of an eating disorder recovery book and wanted an external antagonist rather than having Ariel only fight herself. I wanted something bigger and more threatening to play a role. A few days before Irma rolled through was when I first started writing a timeline for this story.
There is so much more of my story I want to share in fiction form but there are no other eating disorder recovery books in the works right now. If you want to stay in the loop please sign up for my newsletter below. I’ll try to send out emails from time to time. I want to thank you for being interested in The Kalidescope Girl and I’d love to hear if any of the above items spoke to you too. Or maybe a different part of the book speaks more to your story. If so, I’d love to learn more about you and connect. Feel free to send me a message or find me on social media. I always love meeting new friends.
You can find The Kalidescope Girl at this link.