I made the man–who would later become my husband–lie in the center of a busy intersection (at 1 AM) on the night of our first date. I call it a date because it was the first time we were alone together with those we-could-be-more-than-friend vibes but we wouldn’t officially date until a few months later.
My perceptions of love and dating were shaped by romantic movies, songs, and pop culture. Consequently, I believed that love would be straightforward. I didn’t realize that my confusion around the question,–are we dating or are we just friends?–was a precursor for what true love stories looked like. The messy, unpredictable, frustrating, semi-unromantic, and raw ones. After a few months of “hanging out,” we started dating like this…
Me: “Friends from college are asking if we’re together. What do you think?
Mason: “I don’t think we’re dating. I think we are two friends who are in a relationship.”
Me: (Confused, but in love enough for this to somehow make sense.) “Okay, I’m changing my relationship status on FaceBook.”
Mason: “Okay.”
I’m not kidding. This is how our love story started.
I’m writing this on January 3rd, 2020. Exactly 6 years after the day I said, “I do,” and nine years since our fateful Let’s Make it FaceBook Official relationship talk. These are a few things I’ve learned about love and relationships in those years.
1. Don’t Fall For the Romantic Movie Fantasy
Have you ever noticed how most romantic movies are about how the couple falls in love, overcomes hardship, rededicates their love to one another, ties the knot, and then the movie ends? We rarely see the true grit and work that goes into upholding a real and lasting relationship. One of my all-time favorite movie scenes is one that most people don’t know and in a movie that would fall under the “romantic movie” genera. The scene is in The Longest Ride. Please ignore the fact that this is a Nicholas Sparks movie and I literally just told you not to fall for romantic movie fantasy. This is one of my favorite movies NOT for the main love story, but for the flashback love story told by a man who knew the real work that went into relationships.
In a flashback scene, the man recounts how he came back injured from war. When he returned, he didn’t contact his fiance because his injury prevented him from ever having children which was his fiance’s dream. When she finally tracked him down he explained that he wouldn’t be with her because he didn’t want to make her give up her dream. Her answer is one of my all-time favorite movie lines because I think it sums up real relationships so vividly.
She says, “But that’s only a dream, you’re real.” (Quote from memory, not the actual movie. This is the gist of it.)
Our perceptions of what love should be might not be real. The dreams we have, the fantasies, and expectations could be ghosts when we enter a real relationship. But our spouse, our S.O., is real.
2. Don’t Let ‘Divorce’ or ‘Quit’ Be Words in Your Vocabulary
Some relationships don’t work because of infidelity, abuse, addiction, or other harmful things. But for the couples who are mentally healthy enough to soldier on and who have not been cheated on, I think it’s important to not consider giving up. There have been many times when Mason and I have been in an argument or going through a rough patch where I think of how easy it would be if I could just start the whole relationship thing over. But I didn’t marry Mason only because I “felt” in love (More on this below. #4). I married him because there is so much more to the word love than feelings. And you know what? Those rough patches are a part of life and divorce is a word that can’t be unsaid. Mason is the man who knows me best, respects me, treats me with love, and puts me first. I believe in working on relationships. (Unless there is abuse of any kind of infidelity or other circumstances that can’t be easily named.) I believe that married relationships are worth fighting for and that eliminating the word divorce is a great way to stick with it.
3. Don’t Assume That Because You Are Married You Will Never Again Be Attracted to a Member of The Opposite Sex
I was faced with a situation where I met a man who I was almost instantly attracted to after a short conversation. The only problem? I was married and this man was not Mason. Yikes. In some instances, we might be tempted to say, “Well, the man I married must not be the one since I am attracted to this other man.”
Hold up!
In this circumstance, I did something that many girls may not feel comfortable with and may not be a good option for your relationship. Mason and I trust each other and are open with each other so it worked for us and added a layer of accountability for me. After the encounter with the man in question, I went home and told Mason that I met a man and was attracted to him. Yes, even I am surprised that I did this. But it ended well. Mason was happy I told him and getting it off my chest made me feel better too.
There will always be attractive men in the world, but it’s what we do with that attraction that makes the difference. If we feed it and allow it to grow it could blossom into an affair, but if we recognize it as something that will probably happen (the attraction) and not a dire reflection of our marriage, then we can acknowledge it, push it aside, and move on. Girl, it’s going to happen. You will be attracted to another man at some point, but that doesn’t mean your marriage is broken. It means you are a human and you have a choice to choose your spouse.
4. You Will Not Always Feel “In Love”
Mason and I joke that we don’t always like each other but we always love each other. But if I’m real, sometimes it feels like I don’t love him either even though I know I do. Thinking of love as a feeling is a dangerous and shallow place to live. Relying on the ‘feeling’ of love will only last as long as the feeling lasts, and girl, I can assure you that you will not always feel “in love.” Think of your love as an action, something you do, not something you feel. We can choose to love even when we don’t feel love.
5. It’s Okay to Ask For Help
Mason and I have been talking about seeing a marriage counselor. Is our marriage falling apart? Nope. We still lovingly annoy each other on a regular basis. We want to see a marriage counselor so we can love each other better. We know there are communications barriers in our relationship that a professional might be able to help us overcome. We’re not broken, but we want our relationship to be the best it can be. There is sometimes a stigma around counseling, but there shouldn’t be. Counseling can be a way to get to know your partner better and fall in love with them deeper. If you are having marriage problems it can help you get back on track.
6. Go Back To The Begining
I love remembering the night I made Mason lie in the middle of the road with me. I remember the way we laughed, our first kiss, and the way he held my hand for the first time to “keep me from falling on the ice.” Sometimes I like to remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. I like to relive those moments and our budding friendship. When life gets mundane after years of being together; go back to the beginning.
This post is lovingly dedicated to my husband Mason. <3 Being married to you for 6 years makes me feel old.
Want to know more about me? I love meeting new friends! Subscribe HERE.
